I woke up today and all I wanted to do was curl further beneath my blankets. The strongest desire to simply cry myself back to sleep felt overwhelming. I pushed the cover off me though and sat up on the side of the bed. I felt my shoulders slump and my mood already so low. I took a deep breath and got up from the bed quickly making my way across the hall into the bathroom. As my eyes lifted and I saw my reflection, I could see the tears welling into my eyes and the frown across my face increasing. Crap, they’re coming. I thought to myself as I tried to take a deep breath and hold it all in. I didn’t want the tears to come. I wanted to be my strong self. I wanted to be in control of myself and not let depression win today.
As my morning continued though, I lost my battle briefly. Really it was just a small injury on this personal battlefield to be seen by another. I was ashamed of myself for a brief moment, but I recognized what this was. I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety since I was a kid. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten in better control of it. Or perhaps, I just got a better handle on how to deal with it. I know what triggers me and I know what helps me. So I take a moment and allow myself to review the recent days. I will not allow this to cripple me again. I can see that I’ve been feeling sleep deprived, stressed, and overwhelmed quite consistently. These things do not help the ongoing battle. These things trigger those awful feelings. And as I recognize what’s causing the severe morning slump I have to remind myself of the following.
This is ONE bad day.
This day CAN get better.
This will NOT STOP me from moving forward.
I know my day will continue to get better. I know, because I am consciously choosing to not let my depression and anxiety get the best of me. I refuse to allow myself to slip back into the dark clouded bubble that was my existence for years, a long time ago. I am choosing to conquer this battle today, and even as I write this I feel it getting better. I feel it getting lighter. I feel it getting easier to be around others. I am choosing to find my joy in what I do. I am choosing to continue to put one foot in front of the other today. I am choosing to congratulate myself on conquering the simple task of getting out of bed, getting dressed, and starting my day. I didn’t let it win. I didn’t stay in my bed and cry myself back to sleep.
As I continue this blog I would like to share more of my personal battles with depression and anxiety. Why? Perhaps it’s blind hope that by my own openness with my struggles, I can maybe help at least one person out there with their own. Cliché thought process perhaps, but a genuine goal yes. It’s not easy for me to purposely put myself into a vulnerable spot like this, but I feel it’s important. I feel like I need to do this. I need to try and help be a voice in mental health awareness. So while this topic of choice won’t be a regular one, I can assure that it more than likely will pop up occasionally on here.
On a final note – today I struggle, but it’s getting better. Tomorrow will be better yet. Tomorrow is a day off from the day job and I promised myself to spend at least a good portion of it on self-care. Give myself that “me time” I need to recharge my batteries as it were. Sometimes we need to recognize and allow ourselves that personal time to hit refresh, and know that it’s okay to do so.
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