Today I Struggle

I woke up today and all I wanted to do was curl further beneath my blankets. The strongest desire to simply cry myself back to sleep felt overwhelming. I pushed the cover off me though and sat up on the side of the bed. I felt my shoulders slump and my mood already so low. I took a deep breath and got up from the bed quickly making my way across the hall into the bathroom. As my eyes lifted and I saw my reflection, I could see the tears welling into my eyes and the frown across my face increasing. Crap, they’re coming. I thought to myself as I tried to take a deep breath and hold it all in. I didn’t want the tears to come. I wanted to be my strong self. I wanted to be in control of myself and not let depression win today.

As my morning continued though, I lost my battle briefly. Really it was just a small injury on this personal battlefield to be seen by another. I was ashamed of myself for a brief moment, but I recognized what this was. I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety since I was a kid. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten in better control of it. Or perhaps, I just got a better handle on how to deal with it. I know what triggers me and I know what helps me. So I take a moment and allow myself to review the recent days. I will not allow this to cripple me again. I can see that I’ve been feeling sleep deprived, stressed, and overwhelmed quite consistently. These things do not help the ongoing battle. These things trigger those awful feelings. And as I recognize what’s causing the severe morning slump I have to remind myself of the following.

This is ONE bad day.

This day CAN get better.

This will NOT STOP me from moving forward.

I know my day will continue to get better. I know, because I am consciously choosing to not let my depression and anxiety get the best of me. I refuse to allow myself to slip back into the dark clouded bubble that was my existence for years, a long time ago. I am choosing to conquer this battle today, and even as I write this I feel it getting better. I feel it getting lighter. I feel it getting easier to be around others. I am choosing to find my joy in what I do. I am choosing to continue to put one foot in front of the other today. I am choosing to congratulate myself on conquering the simple task of getting out of bed, getting dressed, and starting my day. I didn’t let it win. I didn’t stay in my bed and cry myself back to sleep.

As I continue this blog I would like to share more of my personal battles with depression and anxiety. Why? Perhaps it’s blind hope that by my own openness with my struggles, I can maybe help at least one person out there with their own. Cliché thought process perhaps, but a genuine goal yes. It’s not easy for me to purposely put myself into a vulnerable spot like this, but I feel it’s important. I feel like I need to do this. I need to try and help be a voice in mental health awareness. So while this topic of choice won’t be a regular one, I can assure that it more than likely will pop up occasionally on here.

On a final note – today I struggle, but it’s getting better. Tomorrow will be better yet. Tomorrow is a day off from the day job and I promised myself to spend at least a good portion of it on self-care. Give myself that “me time” I need to recharge my batteries as it were. Sometimes we need to recognize and allow ourselves that personal time to hit refresh, and know that it’s okay to do so.

XOXO, Jane

11 thoughts on “Today I Struggle

  1. Props to you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable on a social platform! With so much stigma circulating mental health, I feel that sometimes those of struggling with it may hesitate to open up, but I truly thank you for writing this post as the battle you mentioned is extremely relatable for me

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your comment. There really is an awful stigma on mental health issues and as cliché as it sounds, I can only hope that the moments I can push myself to share my own struggles – I can help someone with theirs. I’m not ashamed of my mental health issues, and while that still doesn’t make it any easier to openly discuss, I want to be proactive in fighting the stigma.

      Liked by 1 person

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